I’m feeling the need to start raising money for next year’s March for Babies (March of Dimes) walk. I wasn’t able to take part this year.. the walk was right in the middle of my iron treatments and I was lucky if I stood each day, let alone walk 3 miles. I felt really bad about missing it. I walked in 2007, when Benji was just a few months old. I walked again in 2008.. the weather was bad and Ben had an ear infection so I went alone.. and I kicked butt.. finishing the walk WAY ahead of the pack… big deal for me.

Our time in the NICU was brief (6 days) and uneventful (thank GOD).. the challenging part was the emotional toll of worrying about Benji and not being able to be with him 24/7.. and meeting all of those families who were also spending time with their newborn or newborns.. or 3 month olds.. all babies who were born too early.

I was lucky. My health tanked.. the doctors said “yep.. you need to deliver” and as fate would have it.. Benjamin was far enough along that he did not have any health problems.

I continue to be absolutely terrified of the idea of having more children. I never planned to only have one child.. I figured that if my infertility issues could be dealt with.. of course we’d have more. After our experience.. we don’t know. It’s a definitely “no” for the moment. I was in the best health of my adult life when I conceived Benjamin and I STILL almost died. I can’t put myself at risk like that now that I have both Shiela AND Benjamin in my life (not to mention the two cats and the hamster, Jack-Jack).

Anyway.. it wasn’t on the table.. so this isn’t a new revelation. It’s just that the fear of loss occasionally rears up and smacks us with a bit of reality.

Some new friends of ours, Sam and Suzanne, have spent 7+ weeks in the NICU with their daughter, Ella, who was born at 30 weeks. Two more moms and a baby. Ella is super baby.. I’m going to get her a cape and I can’t wait for Ben to get the chance to teach her lots of nasty gross toddler stuff… like all the songs we know about poop. Ella is now at about the size Ben was when he came home.. and she’s doing great and will be coming home very soon. We are so very happy for Sue and Sam.

An old friend of mine, Linda (and her husband, Ron), are in the hospital right now. They are pregnant with twins.. 18 weeks along and her water broke. WAY too early. Every positive thought I have is directed toward them. It’s times like these when I have trouble believing in a God. I’m so very sorry, Linda.

Advertisement